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Personal Boundaries and Self-Esteem: The Message We Give Ourselves When We Don't Set Them
- dr.ssa Elizabeth Moore
- 17 hours ago
- 5 min read
In clinical work, but also in everyday life, we often realize something: when we struggle to set boundaries, something inside us remains unresolved. It's not just about saying "no" to others. The difficulty setting boundaries in relationships often has to do with how a person perceives their own value and emotional space. In this sense, the issue of boundaries is profoundly linked to self-esteem, even when we aren't aware of it.
What we mean by personal boundaries
Personal boundaries are not walls, nor rigidities. They are the way we regulate emotional distance, time, demands, and expectations in relationships. Boundaries serve to protect one's psychological space, clarify relationships, and avoid the buildup of discomfort and resentment. Not setting boundaries, however, doesn't mean being more available or kinder: it often means putting oneself on hold.
It means, for example:
realizing you are tired, annoyed or in difficulty and deciding not to take it into account
adapting to other people's requests even when they are expensive, thinking that "I'll think about it later"
postpone the comparison, the limit or the choice so as not to create tensions
to always move forward the moment in which we truly listen to each other
The important point is that we are not postponing a single thing , but our own subjective space: as if the internal message was “not now, me later”.
In the short term, this may seem functional (it avoids conflict, maintains balance), but in the long term it often produces tiredness, resentment, or a feeling of emptiness, because the person learns not to fully occupy their place in relationships.
Boundaries and Self-Esteem: The Internal Message
Here lies the crux of the matter. When a person fails to systematically set boundaries, the internal message conveyed isn't so much "I'm worthless," but something more subtle: "I can wait," "My discomfort isn't a priority," "It's better not to cause problems." Over time, these types of repeated messages profoundly impact self-esteem, as the person learns to consistently place themselves in the background. Self-esteem, in fact, isn't built solely through what we think of ourselves, but also through how we treat ourselves in relationships.
What psychology says about boundaries and self-esteem
In psychology, these aspects are studied primarily through the concept of assertiveness. Numerous studies show that greater assertiveness is associated with higher levels of self-esteem, difficulty expressing needs and limits is correlated with greater stress and emotional distress, and training the ability to communicate boundaries can improve the perception of personal efficacy. This is not a simple cause-and-effect relationship, but a system that strengthens over time: when a person is able to recognize and respect their own limits, they also tend to perceive themselves as more legitimate and worthy of consideration.
Why setting boundaries is so difficult
Knowing that boundaries are important doesn't mean you can set them. The most common difficulties involve fear of conflict, the fear of disappointing others, relational patterns learned early on, and professional contexts where "giving" is highly valued. In these cases, not setting boundaries isn't a conscious choice, but rather a coping strategy that served a purpose in the past. The problem arises when this strategy continues to be used even when it's no longer useful.
The good news is that the ability to set boundaries is not a fixed trait , but a skill that can be learned and trained over time.
Boundaries and communication: a skill that can be learned
Many people struggle with setting boundaries not because they don't know what they want, but because they've never learned how to communicate it .
When a person thinks of saying something that doesn't feel right to them, the words often already sound wrong in their head. Not because they actually do, but because they've never learned a simple, clear way to say them.
So the message is imagined more or less like this: “Enough, we can't take it anymore”, “If you do this you're disrespecting me”, “It's not acceptable”.
Even if these phrases aren't said aloud, it's this tone that many people hear in their minds. And if I imagine speaking harshly or aggressively, I'm likely to fear the other person's reaction and choose to remain silent. In fact, more or less consciously, we imagine the other person's possible reaction as negative or rejecting, and this leads to avoiding the message altogether. The boundary thus remains merely imagined, but unexpressed.
Learning to communicate better means precisely this: finding different words . Words that don't attack or accuse, but explain. For example: "It's too much for me right now," "I need more time," "I feel uncomfortable like this."
When words change, the message becomes more sustainable, even for the person who says it. And for this reason, with a little practice—and sometimes with psychological help—it becomes truly easier to express yourself without fear of creating conflict.
What happens inside when we don't say what we wanted to say
When something remains unsaid, it often doesn't go away. It stays "there." Afterward, with a cool head, we find ourselves thinking back to the scene: we tell ourselves that we should have spoken, that we could have said more, that it wasn't right to remain silent.
In our heads, the conversation restarts. We review it, correct it, rewrite it. Sometimes the words become even harsher and more aggressive than what we would have actually said. And this is where anger, tension, rumination, but also anxiety or guilt can arise.
This internal movement is tiring because the discomfort hasn't found a real outlet. Remaining held back, it continues to circulate, often amplifying itself. Learning to express our feelings more clearly isn't just beneficial to relationships: it also helps reduce this internal burden, which otherwise rests entirely on our shoulders.
Conclusions: boundaries as an act of self-recognition
Setting a limit isn't an act of strength or selfishness. It's, first and foremost, an act of recognition: acknowledging what we feel, what weighs on us, and what we need, rather than postponing or holding it back.
When a person finds more appropriate words to express themselves, they're not only improving their relationship with others, but also how they treat themselves internally. Giving space to their own signals reduces the burden of anger, tension, and rumination that arises from what's left unsaid. This doesn't mean having to always say everything or react impulsively: it means being able to consciously choose when to speak and when to hold back. And when boundaries become a choice, and no longer self-censorship, the emotional burden shifts.
It's also through these small, repeated actions—listening to oneself, speaking up, staying with the message—that a different sense of self is consolidated over time: the idea that one's needs matter and deserve attention. And it's from here that self-esteem can slowly build, not as an abstract concept, but as a concrete experience in everyday relationships.
Written by
Dr. Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist – I work on relationships, boundaries, and communication
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Alberti, E., Emmons, M. Assertiveness: How to Assert Your Rights Without Trampling on Others'. Erickson, Trento.
Linehan, MM Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Erickson Study Center Editions.
EXTERNAL RESOURCES
1. Practical Italian guide with exercises
Assertiveness Exercises: Examples and a Free PDF Guide – Practical examples of how to practice assertiveness and say "no" respectfully (useful for practical training). Assertiveness Exercises – AFC Formazione
2) Relationship between self-esteem and assertiveness
A study exploring the relationship between self-esteem and assertiveness in college students shows a significant correlation between self-esteem levels and the ability to express oneself assertively. Relationship between Self-Esteem and Assertiveness (Springer Open)
3) Effectiveness of assertiveness training
Experimental research evaluating the effectiveness of assertiveness training on behavior, self-esteem, stress, and psychological well-being in students. Effect of Assertiveness Training on Behavior and Self-Esteem
4) Assertiveness training: experimental evidence
Article summarizing evidence on the effectiveness of assertiveness training interventions in improving psychosocial well-being, reducing emotional distress and related symptoms. Assertiveness Training: An Intervention Worth Rediscovering? (Erickson)
