Introduction
A balanced communication style, characterised by the ability to express one’s needs honestly yet non-aggressively, is a powerful tool for fostering mutual understanding. It stands out through the use of clear language, a calm tone of voice, and open body language—all essential elements for establishing respectful and constructive dialogue. In psychology, this communication style is referred to as assertive communication, which is considered crucial for improving interpersonal relationships and boosting self-esteem.
This article delves into the concept of assertive communication, outlining its benefits and offering numerous practical examples to help you enhance this valuable skill.
What is Assertive Communication?
Assertive communication is a style that lies between passive and aggressive communication.
Passive CommunicationThose who communicate passively tend to submit to others, avoid conflict, and refrain from expressing their desires or feelings. This approach often leads to frustration and a sense of powerlessness, as their needs remain unmet. For instance, a person might agree to do a favour they do not want to do out of fear of disappointing someone else.
Aggressive CommunicationIndividuals using aggressive communication express their needs in a dominating or offensive manner, disregarding others’ rights. This behaviour can lead to conflicts and toxic relationships. For example, interrupting others frequently or using insults to assert one’s opinion are forms of aggressive communication.
Assertive CommunicationAssertiveness allows individuals to express their opinions, feelings, and needs without overpowering others. It is rooted in self-confidence and mutual respect. For example, an assertive statement might be: “I’d like the opportunity to share my perspective on this project.”
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), assertive communication is a vital interpersonal skill that can contribute to psychological well-being.
Benefits of Assertive Communication
Improved RelationshipsAssertive communication helps establish relationships based on mutual respect. When people feel heard and valued, they are more likely to respond positively.
Reduced StressBy expressing needs without resentment or conflict, assertiveness can alleviate anxiety and stress. For example, saying “No” to an extra task when overwhelmed with work can reduce pressure.
Enhanced Self-EsteemAssertiveness promotes self-respect and awareness of one’s rights. Clearly expressing desires builds self-confidence.
Better Conflict ResolutionAssertive communication facilitates constructive conflict resolution. Assertive individuals handle disagreements without attacking or belittling others.
Techniques to Develop Assertive Communication
Use “I” Statements
Express how you feel in specific situations rather than blaming others. For example:
“I feel frustrated when tasks are not completed on time.”
This avoids blame and fosters understanding.
If a friend makes an offensive comment about your appearance, you could respond:
“When I receive comments about my appearance, I feel uncomfortable. I’d prefer to focus on other topics in our conversations.”
Practice Active Listening
Show genuine interest in others’ viewpoints. For instance:
“I understand your perspective, and I’d like to share mine.”
Active listening encourages constructive dialogue and mutual respect.
Set Clear Boundaries
Communicate your limits clearly and directly. For example:
“I can’t work overtime without prior notice.”
Setting boundaries helps safeguard your well-being.
Seek Clarity
If unsure about someone’s message, ask for clarification:
“Could you elaborate on what you mean?”
Use Positive Body LanguageNon-verbal cues play a crucial role. Maintain eye contact, adopt an upright yet relaxed posture, and use open gestures. A genuine smile and a calm facial expression can reinforce an assertive message.
Avoid Vague LanguageBe clear and direct. Instead of saying, “Maybe we could...” or “It seems like...”, use assertive phrases such as:
“I believe it’s important to...” or “I would prefer to...”
Be ConsistentPractice assertive communication regularly, even in non-confrontational situations. Reflect on past interactions to identify areas for improvement.
Master the Art of Saying “No”Saying “No” assertively is crucial. For instance:
“I appreciate your offer, but I can’t take it on right now.”
This shows respect for your limits without guilt.
Recognising Non-Assertive Behaviours
Passive Behaviours: Avoiding conflict, downplaying one’s needs, or saying “yes” when wanting to say “no”.
Aggressive Behaviours: Speaking offensively, interrupting others, or using sarcasm.
Examples of Assertive Communication
Daily Life Situations
Expressing Feelings in Response to Criticism:
Passive: “Maybe you’re right. I’ll try to do better.”
Aggressive: “That’s unfair! You’re the one with unrealistic expectations!”
Assertive: “I feel hurt when my reliability is questioned. Let’s discuss how we can address this issue together.”
Declining an Invitation:
Passive: “I’ll come, even though it’s inconvenient.”
Aggressive: “I don’t want to come—I have better things to do.”
Assertive: “Thank you for inviting me, but I can’t commit right now. I prefer to be honest and prioritise my current commitments.”
Requesting Help:
Passive: “If you have time, could you help? But no worries if you’re busy.”
Aggressive: “You have to help me—I can’t do it alone.”
Assertive: “I need help with this project and would appreciate your support.”
Workplace Scenarios
Providing Feedback:
Passive: “I don’t mean to criticise, but your work could be improved.”
Aggressive: “Your work is terrible!”
Assertive: “I noticed some areas that could be improved. May I provide feedback?”
Managing Deadlines:
Passive: “I’ll work late to finish this project.”
Aggressive: “How can you expect me to work all night?”
Assertive: “I understand the urgency, but can we reassess the deadlines for a realistic timeline?”
Personal Relationships
Discussing Sensitive Topics:
Passive: “We can talk if you want, but I don’t want to pressure you.”
Aggressive: “If we don’t talk about this, our relationship is over!”
Assertive: “I believe discussing this issue is important for moving forward.”
Requesting Personal Time:
Passive: “I’ll try to make time for myself.”
Aggressive: “I can’t always be available for you!”
Assertive: “I need some personal time this week to recharge. Let’s plan to meet later.”
Conclusion
Assertive communication is a skill that can significantly enhance personal and professional relationships. While developing assertiveness takes time and practice, it can lead to more effective communication and meaningful connections that enrich your life.
Written by
Dr Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist
(consultation only in Italian)
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Bibliography
Patricia Patton, Comunicazione assertiva: Tecniche e strategie per imparare a esprimere e difendere il tuo punto di vista, 2021, Edizioni Youcanprint
Sharon Anthony Bower, Assertività: Tecniche e consigli per ottenere rispetto e migliorare la comunicazione, 2020, Macro Edizioni
Giovanna Celia, Comunicazione efficace e assertività: Come esprimersi con sicurezza nelle relazioni personali e professionali, 2019, Edizioni Gribaudo
External resources
If you wish to explore the topic of psychological manipulation further and find relevant articles and studies, consider these important academic and institutional resources
International Journal of Intercultural RelationsLink: International Journal of Intercultural Relations
American Psychological Association (APA).Link: American Psychological Association
Harvard Business ReviewLink: Harvard Business Review
Asian Journal of Social PsychologyLink: Asian Journal of Social Psychology