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The Relationship with a Narcissist: Recognising and Dealing with Manipulation

Writer's picture: dr.ssa Elizabeth Mooredr.ssa Elizabeth Moore

Immagine simbolica di una mano che tiene un cuore legato a dei fili, rappresentando il controllo emotivo e manipolativo tipico della relazione con un narcisista, simile a quella di un burattinaio con il burattino.

Introduction

A narcissist is a person characterised by a strong sense of superiority, a constant need for admiration, and a profound lack of empathy towards others. In relationships, these traits can result in manipulative behaviours, emotional control, and a constant devaluation of the partner.

If you wish to explore the main characteristics of narcissists in more detail, I invite you to read the article where I delve deeper into Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Relationships with a narcissist are often characterised by toxic and manipulative dynamics.


The Narcissist's Partner

The narcissist's partner is often an empathetic, altruistic person with a strong tendency to put others' needs before their own. This predisposition makes the partner particularly vulnerable to the narcissist's manipulations and control strategies.

While both genders may find themselves in relationships with a narcissist, there are differences in how men and women experience these dynamics.

Men, often more inclined to maintain a controlling attitude, may express their dominance through aggressive or violent behaviours, sometimes culminating in extreme acts such as femicide.

Unfortunately, women are not immune to such dynamics, but they tend to exhibit more subtle forms of manipulation, such as gaslighting or emotional humiliation. However, violence in relationships with female partners, while present, is less frequent, but it should not be underestimated.

Both partners of a narcissist, regardless of gender, experience a constant erosion of self-esteem and ongoing psychological manipulation.


The Dynamics of a Relationship with a Narcissist

Initially, the narcissist may seem charming and irresistible. They use a technique known as "love bombing", showering the partner with attention, compliments, and gifts, creating the illusion of a unique and special connection. However, once the partner's trust is gained, their behaviour changes drastically. The relationship enters a phase of devaluation, characterised by criticism, humiliation, and a growing lack of empathy. The emotional intimacy, which was promised in the beginning, is replaced by insecurity and instability.


How to Recognise an Emotional Manipulator

To identify a malignant narcissist or an emotional manipulator, pay attention to behaviours such as:

  • Love bombing: The start of the relationship is characterised by an excessive amount of attention, which is then abruptly cut off.

  • Inability to take responsibility: The narcissist rarely admits their mistakes and tends to blame others for the problems in the relationship.

  • Lack of empathy: They show no genuine interest in your feelings or experiences.

  • Need for control: They try to manage every aspect of the relationship to feel superior.

  • Gaslighting: The narcissist manipulates the victim's perception of reality, making them doubt their own memories and perceptions. This creates confusion and emotional dependency.

  • Devaluation and idealisation: They alternate moments of showering the victim with attention and praise (idealisation) with moments of criticism and humiliation (devaluation), generating emotional instability.

  • Guilt: They use guilt to control others' behaviour, preying on their insecurities or moral obligations.

  • Triangulation: They involve third parties to create jealousy, competition, or to validate their criticisms of the victim.

  • Silent treatment: They deliberately ignore the victim to punish them or force them to seek their approval.


Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Recognising that you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist can be difficult, as the manipulations often occur gradually. Some signs to watch for include:

  • Devaluation: You constantly feel criticised or inadequate.

  • Sudden mood swings: The partner alternates between extreme kindness and episodes of anger or coldness.

  • Control and isolation: The narcissist tries to control your choices, limiting contact with friends and family to increase emotional dependency.

  • Confusion and self-doubt: You often find yourself doubting your perceptions and decisions, especially after arguments with your partner.

  • Feeling like you're walking on eggshells: You fear saying or doing something that could trigger a negative reaction.

If you suspect that you are in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, it is crucial to learn how to set clear boundaries and defend your emotional autonomy. Consulting a therapist can help you better understand the situation and develop strategies for dealing with it. Recognising the problem is the first step toward emotional freedom and a healthier life.


Why Donā€™t You Leave?

Leaving a narcissistic partner is never easy, and those living under their influence often find themselves trapped in a web of psychological manipulation that seems impossible to break.

Why do victims struggle to leave a narcissist? The dynamics of psychological abuse and emotional manipulation make it difficult for the victim to see the reality of the situation. The narcissist creates a cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and discard, progressively weakening the victimā€™s self-esteem, making them feel undeserving of something better. Furthermore, narcissists are often skilled at exercising emotional control, making the victim feel guilty or incapable of moving on without them. This emotional manipulation creates a psychological dependency that can be extremely hard to break.


To defend themselves from manipulation and break the bond with a narcissist, victims should follow several key steps:

  • Emotional intelligence: Develop awareness of your emotions and learn to recognise attempts at manipulation. Being aware of your emotional reactions allows you to resist the narcissist's manipulative games.

  • Rebuild your social network: Victims of narcissism often isolate themselves due to the partner's control and manipulation. Rebuilding a support network of friends, family, and therapists is essential for receiving help and external validation.

  • Work on self-esteem: Rebuilding self-esteem is crucial for recognising that you deserve healthy relationships and breaking free from abuse. Victims must engage in a process of personal growth through reflection, psychological counselling, and activities that strengthen self-confidence.

  • Self-analysis and improvement: Understanding how the narcissist exploited your vulnerabilities is a crucial step in preventing these dynamics from repeating in the future. This process may also involve reprocessing past experiences and strengthening the ability to recognise signs of abuse.


Leaving a narcissist is not an easy act, but it is possible, especially if the person has the courage to face emotional manipulation, rebuild their identity, and seek support. In this process, self-awareness and external support are the primary tools for breaking the cycle and starting a healthy life free from psychological abuse.


Conclusions

Relationships with a narcissist can become extremely destructive. The narcissist manipulates and controls the partner, creating an emotionally unstable and toxic environment. Recognising signs of emotional abuse and manipulation is essential to becoming aware of the situation and beginning the healing process.

Victims of narcissists are not alone: through self-work, psychological support, and awareness of their own resources, it is possible to rebuild their life away from emotional abuse and manipulation. Awareness is the key to breaking the cycle and reclaiming psychological well-being.




Written by

Dr Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist

(consultation only in Italian)

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Consultations are available in Italian only

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Bibliography


  • Martha Stout, Il male che ci ha fattiĀ (2007), Giunti Editore

  • Patrick Carnes, Donne che amano troppoĀ (2007), Edizioni Corbaccio

  • Cristina Gatti, Il narcisismo nelle relazioni affettiveĀ (2016), Franco Angeli

  • Heinz-Peter Rƶhr,Ā Il narcisista: come riconoscerlo e difendersiĀ (2018), Edizioni Il Punto d'Incontro

  • Francesca Gino, Narcisismo: come riconoscere il disturbo e affrontarloĀ (2019), Franco Angeli


External resources

"If you wish to explore the topic of psychological manipulation further and find relevant articles and studies, consider these important academic and institutional resources."


  1. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

    Link: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

  2. American Psychological Association (APA)

    Link: American Psychological Association

  3. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

    Link: NIMH

  4. Psychology Today

    Link: Psychology Today


La Manipolazione
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