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The Need for Control: Implications and Strategies

Writer's picture: dr.ssa Elizabeth Mooredr.ssa Elizabeth Moore

Una persona seduta a una scrivania ordinata, con un foglio in mano contenente un elenco di attività. L'immagine rappresenta il bisogno di controllo attraverso la pianificazione e l'organizzazione, evidenziando come le persone cercano di gestire l'incertezza della vita quotidiana.

The need for control is a complex phenomenon that can manifest in many areas of life, influencing attachment, self-esteem, and the perception of the surrounding world. People with a strong need for control may develop strategies and behaviors aimed at reducing uncertainty and maximizing the prediction of events. This article will explore the various dimensions of the need for control, how it affects relationships and self-esteem, unforeseen events, and finally, how to address this need in therapy.


1. The Need for Control and Attachment

The need for control is closely related to attachment styles. For a detailed reading on the topic, refer to the article on Attachment Styles. People with insecure attachment may exhibit a more pronounced need for control as an attempt to manage their emotional vulnerability.

  • Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment tend to perceive a constant threat of abandonment or emotional detachment. To cope with this fear, they may try to excessively control the people and situations around them. This control serves as a strategy to reduce anxiety and gain frequent reassurances, for example, seeking confirmation that the other person will not abandon them. These individuals have high emotional reactivity: they can be extremely sensitive to non-verbal cues from others, such as changes in tone of voice or behavior, and fear that these may indicate detachment or negative judgment. The need for reassurance, therefore, becomes a mechanism to minimize their insecurity and anxiety.

  • Avoidant Attachment: In contrast, those with avoidant attachment tend to push away emotional intimacy and overly engaging relationships. Control in this case manifests as avoiding situations that might trigger strong emotions, such as the fear of becoming too dependent on others or being vulnerable. People with avoidant attachment may withdraw or detach when relationships become too intense, seeking to preserve their autonomy and emotional independence. This behavior serves as a self-protection mechanism against feeling overwhelmed or hurt, but it can also lead to difficulties in intimate relationships, where the fear of being too involved or dependent prevents genuine connection.


2. The Need for Control and Self-Esteem

The need for control can significantly impact self-esteem, as the way a person manages their life can directly affect their self-perception. Those who feel they lack control over their life or circumstances may experience a decline in self-efficacy and self-perception. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, as control becomes a mechanism to maintain a sense of security.

  • Self-Control and Self-Esteem: People with a strong need for control tend to feel more secure when they can actively manage their circumstances. In these cases, self-efficacy, the feeling of being able to influence events, is closely linked to self-esteem. However, when faced with situations beyond their control, they may feel vulnerable and inadequate, leading to a decrease in self-confidence. The inability to manage uncertainty can generate frustration and a sense of helplessness that erodes self-esteem.

This phenomenon is even more evident in people who try to exert excessive self-control over their emotions and reactions, believing that only in this way can they maintain control and, consequently, preserve their self-esteem.


3. Reactions to the Unexpected

People with a strong need for control tend to react negatively to unforeseen events. Their reactions may include:

  • Anxiety and Stress: The inability to control an unexpected situation can lead to an increase in anxiety and stress. These emotions may manifest through physical symptoms, such as headaches and muscle tension.

  • Defensive Behaviors: Some individuals may adopt defensive behaviors, such as social withdrawal, procrastination, or avoidance, in an attempt to reduce the anxiety associated with the unexpected.


4. Strategies to Address the Need for Control

Addressing the need for control does not mean completely eliminating this need, but rather learning to manage it in a healthier and more balanced way. Adopting a more mindful and flexible approach can reduce the pressure this need places on daily life. Here are some practical strategies that can help:


A. Techniques to Promote Awareness

To address the need for control, developing greater self-awareness is crucial. This helps recognize moments when the need for control becomes overwhelming and reduce the anxiety it causes. Here are some useful practices:

  • Mindfulness Practices: Mindfulness involves focusing attention on the present moment without judgment or trying to change what you’re experiencing. Practically, this means concentrating on sensations, thoughts, or emotions in the here and now, such as focusing on your breath or bodily sensations. The goal is to reduce automatic reactions to external stimuli and worries, allowing for a more serene approach to difficulties.

  • Mindful Self-Observation: Take a moment to observe thoughts and emotions without judgment. This can be done during daily activities, such as walking or eating. The goal is to recognize moments when the need for control arises without immediately trying to change what you’re perceiving. Journaling can help identify dysfunctional thought patterns related to control.

  • Anchoring Techniques: Use sensory anchors (sounds, smells, or physical sensations) to bring attention to the present moment. When the need for control grows, focus on something sensory, such as the feeling of your skin touching an object or listening to relaxing sounds, to anchor the mind and interrupt anxious thoughts.

  • Relaxation Reflection Techniques: Set aside time to reflect on what is truly important and how you wish to respond to situations. During these reflective moments, ask yourself: “What can I control and what can’t I?” This type of thinking helps shift focus from the desire for control to acceptance.


    B. Cognitive Restructuring

  • Identify Dysfunctional Thoughts: Sometimes, the need for control arises from distorted thoughts, such as the belief that “if I don’t control every aspect of my life, everything will go wrong.” Working on these thoughts in therapy through cognitive restructuring can help make them more realistic and less overwhelming. For example, learning to think, “I can’t control everything, but I can learn to cope with situations I can’t predict,” can offer a sense of freedom and reduce emotional burden.

  • Focus on Flexibility: Instead of trying to predict every possible outcome, it’s important to learn to embrace uncertainty. Life is unpredictable, and accepting that not everything can be controlled helps us develop greater resilience. Over time, this attitude allows us to face the unexpected with less anxiety and frustration.


    C. Learning to Delegate

  • Involve Others: Sometimes, the need for control stems from the thought, “Only I can do things the right way.” Delegating tasks or asking for support from others may seem difficult at first, but it’s a crucial step to reduce the pressure we impose on ourselves. Not only does it allow us to relax a bit, but it also strengthens interpersonal relationships. Learning to involve others helps lighten the burden of control over time and allows us to build more balanced and positive relationships.


5. Anxiety Disorders in Which the Need for Control is Present

The need for control and intolerance to doubt are present in various anxiety disorders:

  • Hypochondria and the Need for Control: People with hypochondria often experience intense worry about their health, fearing they have serious illnesses even in the absence of medical evidence. This behavior is rooted in the need for control, as they attempt to predict and manage their health through constant symptom and health information monitoring. This cycle of worry increases anxiety and may exacerbate physical symptoms, creating a vicious circle.

  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): People with GAD tend to excessively worry about daily events, exhibiting a strong need to control every aspect of their life to prevent negative situations. Their intolerance to uncertainty leads them to constantly ruminate on possible future scenarios.

  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Individuals with OCD may develop rituals and compulsive behaviors as an attempt to reduce anxiety related to obsessive thoughts. These behaviors may be seen as a form of control they attempt to apply to manage their fear of uncertainty.

  • Specific Phobias: People with phobias may try to avoid situations they perceive as dangerous, showing a need to control their environment to prevent anxiety-inducing situations. Their intolerance of doubt translates into fear of what they don’t know or can’t predict.


Conclusions

The need for control is a natural response to an uncertain and complex world. However, when it becomes excessive, it can have negative repercussions on our mental health and relationships. Understanding one’s need for control and developing practical strategies to address it can lead to greater serenity and healthier relationships.




 Written by

Dr Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist

(consultation only in Italian)

 

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Consultations are available in Italian only

 

Bibliography


  • Mennin, D. S., Heimberg, R. G., & Turk, C. L. (2004). "The role of emotional regulation in the onset and maintenance of anxiety disorders", Cognitive Therapy and Research.

  • Dugas, M. J., & Robillard, C. (2007). "Cognitive-behavioral treatment for generalized anxiety disorder", Clinical Psychology Review.


External resources

If you wish to explore the topic of psychological manipulation further and find relevant articles and studies, consider these important academic and institutional resour


  • American Psychological Association (APA)Fornisce articoli e ricerche sui meccanismi psicologici legati al bisogno di controllo e sulla gestione dell'ansia e dello stress associati.Link: American Psychological Association


  • Journal of Anxiety DisordersQuesta rivista scientifica pubblica ricerche sull'ansia e i disturbi legati al controllo, come il Disturbo Ossessivo-Compulsivo e l'ansia da prestazione.[Link: Journal of Anxiety Disorders]https://www.journals.elsevier.com/journal-of-anxiety-disorders


  • National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)Fornisce risorse e ricerche su vari aspetti della salute mentale, inclusi i comportamenti di controllo e le loro cause.Link: NIMH


  • Rivista Italiana di Psicoterapia Cognitiva e ComportamentaleOffre articoli e ricerche focalizzate sulla terapia cognitivo-comportamentale, utile per affrontare il bisogno di controllo e altri disturbi correlati.Link: Rivista Italiana di Psicoterapia Cognitiva e Comportamentale


  • Mindful.orgUn sito che offre pratiche di mindfulness, che possono essere utili per gestire il bisogno di controllo e sviluppare un maggiore equilibrio emotivo.Link: Mindful


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