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Manipulation

Writer's picture: dr.ssa Elizabeth Mooredr.ssa Elizabeth Moore

What is Manipulation Really? Who Engages in It? The Consequences and How to Defend Yourself

Immagine astratta che rappresenta il concetto di manipolazione, con colori blu e rosa acceso, simboleggiando il controllo e la vulnerabilitĆ  nelle relazioni umane.

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Manipulation is a form of covert control where one person tries to influence the emotions, behaviours, or decisions of another for their own benefit. This behaviour can manifest in both children and adults, taking on different forms depending on age, context, and relational dynamics.

Psychological manipulation is a complex and pervasive phenomenon that can occur in various contexts of our lives. Often subtle and difficult to recognise, it can have severe consequences for those who endure it, undermining self-confidence and interpersonal relationships.

Given that the topic of psychological manipulation is intricate, Iā€™ve decided to explore it in depth, aiming to cover the most significant aspects. If you'd like to delve deeper into a specific topic, this article includes the following sections:

ā€¢ What manipulation truly means

ā€¢ The different types of psychological manipulation: emotional manipulation, gaslighting, passive-aggressive manipulation, what we could call "benevolent" manipulation, and unconscious manipulation, the type carried out without the manipulator being aware of it.

ā€¢ Manipulation in various areas of life: in romantic relationships, family dynamics (by parents towards children and children towards parents), friendships, and at work

ā€¢ How one becomes a manipulator

ā€¢ Awareness or lack thereof of manipulative behaviour

ā€¢ The role of therapy: How therapy can help both those who suffer from manipulation and those who engage in it, by working on the dynamics and potential changes

Awareness of what manipulation is, is the first step to breaking the cycle and living in a healthier, more peaceful way.


What is Manipulation?

Manipulation is a process in which one person, intentionally or not, uses the emotions of others to get something they want, without openly expressing their needs or goals. Unlike transparent and direct communication, manipulation conceals true intentions, relying on guilt, moral obligations, or others' insecurities.

It can occur in a variety of contexts: in family, friendships, professional settings, romantic relationships, and even between parents and children.


Types of Manipulation

There are several forms of manipulation, some of which can be very subtle and hard to identify:


  1. Emotional Manipulation: This type of manipulation revolves around controlling others' emotions. The manipulator may try to make the other person feel guilty, downplay their emotions, or exploit their insecurities to get what they want. For example, a partner might say, "If you really loved me, you would do this for me," thus imposing an emotional condition to achieve their goal.


  2. Gaslighting: One of the most insidious forms of manipulation, where the manipulator distorts reality, making the other person doubt their own perception and memories. This type of manipulation can have severe psychological consequences, causing the victim to lose trust in themselves.


  3. Passive-Aggressive Manipulation: Here, the manipulator expresses hostility or dissatisfaction indirectly through behaviours that seem neutral or even kind. For example, someone might agree to a request without enthusiasm, only to sabotage it with poor execution or tardiness, shifting the blame to the other person.


  4. "Benevolent" Manipulation: This occurs when someone appears to act in the "best interest" of another, but in reality, they are trying to control the situation. This form of manipulation is particularly dangerous because it hides behind a faƧade of kindness or altruism. For example, a parent might impose certain decisions on a child, claiming it's "for their own good," without considering the child's true desires and needs.


  5. Unconscious Manipulation: At times, manipulation can occur without the manipulator being aware of it, often driven by personal needs or insecurities they donā€™t recognise. The person may genuinely believe their actions are for the other person's benefit, unaware of their underlying motivations.


A common example is the parent who insists their child engage in a specific sport, thinking it's for the child's success or well-being. In reality, this behaviour may stem from the parent's need for validation or unfulfilled personal expectations.

Similarly, unconscious love bombing, where the desire to project an idealised image of oneself leads to dysfunctional behaviours, can occur. Even when there's no manipulative intent, these dynamics can cause tension and insecurities in relationships.


Manipulation in Adults

In adults, manipulation takes on more sophisticated forms and often manifests in power dynamics within relationships. It can be used to gain material, emotional, or social advantages, and can occur in various contexts, from personal relationships to professional ones.


  1. Manipulation in Romantic Relationships: In this context, the manipulative partner tries to control the other by making them feel guilty or controlling their choices. For example, they may try to isolate them socially, making them feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. In some cases, manipulation can occur unconsciously, driven by a need for control that the person doesn't openly recognise.


A partner may convince themselves they are acting in the best interest of the relationship, when in reality they are trying to fulfil their own need for security or avoid the fear of abandonment.


Love BombingĀ is a manipulative strategy where one person floods the other with attention, affection, and excessive praise to quickly create emotional dependency. This seemingly affectionate technique is often used by manipulators or narcissists to intentionally establish control and create an intense, but unbalanced, bond.


Typical signs:Ā 

ā€¢ Excessive affection: gifts or exaggerated declarations of love.

ā€¢ Emotional pressure: requests for quick commitments or major decisions.

ā€¢ Sudden changes: from affectionate to distant or critical.

Love bombing is dangerous because it creates insecurity and emotional dependency. Recognising these signs is the first step to protect yourself.


Unconscious Love Bombing:

In some cases, love bombing is not a conscious manipulative strategy but stems from the individual's need to project an idealised version of themselves. Some people go all out to offer their best self, attempting to make the other feel special through attention, affectionate gestures, and reassuring words. They don't intend to manipulate, but seek to establish a positive connection and earn acceptance and admiration.


However, this behaviour can become difficult to maintain over time. When they can no longer sustain this "facade," they begin to feel frustrated and resentful, often with thoughts like, "I've given so much, but itā€™s not enough." This mindset leads to a change in attitude, becoming less caring and more critical or devaluing of the other person. In these cases, the relationship can go into crisis, creating confusion and insecurity, as the other person doesnā€™t understand the sudden change.


Itā€™s important to recognise these behaviours and understand their roots. While there may be no conscious intention to manipulate, this attitude often reflects deep personal distress. Those who engage in such dynamics may feel insecure, have an excessive need for approval, or fear rejection if they show vulnerability.


Being in a relationship with someone who behaves this way can be extremely problematic. Sudden shifts in attitude, ranging from excessive attention to criticism or devaluation, create ongoing emotional instability, leaving the partner in a constant state of uncertainty. They start doubting themselves and their perceptions, unable to understand whatā€™s really happening. The resulting confusion can leave them feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and powerless, as if thereā€™s never any emotional stability in the relationship.


  1. Forms of Parental Manipulation


    Guilt-tripping:

    A manipulative parent might make their child feel guilty for decisions that don't align with their desires. Phrases such as "After everything I do for you, you can't even do this one thing for me?" are examples of how guilt is used to elicit obedience or compliance.


    Emotional blackmail:

    In this case, the parent uses their own emotions (or pretends to) to pressure the child. For example, pretending to be ill or sad to get the child to obey or change their mind is a common manipulative tactic.

    Imposing moral obligations:


    Another tactic is to use moral or emotional obligations to force the child into doing what the parent wants. The implicit message is that the child owes the parent emotionally and must "repay" through their actions.


Psychological Consequences of Parental Manipulation


The consequences of parental manipulation can be deep and long-lasting. Children raised in a manipulative environment may develop a distorted view of relationships, where love and affection are conditional rather than unconditional.


  1. Low self-esteem:

    The child may grow up feeling inadequate, always needing to prove their worth. This can lead to low self-esteem and difficulty in recognising and defending their own needs.


  2. Emotional dependency:

    A manipulated child might develop a strong emotional dependency on their parents, growing up with the belief that their actions are constantly judged or conditioned by parental approval. This could result in difficulties making independent decisions as an adult.


  3. Difficulties in relationships:

    Children who have experienced emotional manipulation often replicate these dynamics in their future relationships, either taking on the role of the manipulator or becoming vulnerable to manipulation by others.

  4. Anxiety and depression:


    A manipulative environment can place constant pressure on the child, leading them to live in a state of anxiety or develop depressive symptoms. Unrealistic expectations or emotional blackmail may cause the child to feel perpetually guilty or incapable of meeting parental demands.


Recognising and Interrupting Parental Manipulation


To prevent these consequences, it's crucial for parents to develop an awareness of their behaviours and learn to establish open, respectful communication with their children. Family or individual therapy can be a helpful tool for breaking manipulative cycles and fostering healthier, more transparent relationships.


Teaching children to recognise and respect their emotional boundaries is essential to help them grow into autonomous and self-assured individuals, capable of building relationships based on mutual respect.


  1. Manipulation Performed by Children

Manipulation isn't only an adult phenomenon; children, either consciously or unconsciously, can try to manipulate their parents or the adults around them to get what they want. Manipulation in children is often tied to behaviours like insistence, crying, tantrums, or attempts to elicit sympathy.

  • Strategies in children:

    Children, especially in their early years, quickly learn how their emotions and reactions can influence adults. For example, they might realise that crying persistently or throwing public tantrums gets them what they want. However, manipulation in children isn't usually intentionally malicious; rather, it's a natural response to the limits placed on them.


  • How to deal with manipulation in children:

    It's important not to give in to manipulative tantrums by setting clear and consistent boundaries. Research shows that children raised with defined limits and a predictable environment develop better emotional regulation (Denham, 2006). Parents can encourage open communication, teaching children to express their needs directly and honestly rather than resorting to emotional manipulation.



    4. Workplace Manipulation

    In the workplace, manipulation can take many forms. A common example is shifting responsibilities onto colleagues to hide oneā€™s own mistakes, a strategy used to avoid blame and preserve one's professional image. Additionally, some individuals manipulate by using flattery or excessive praise to gain favours or advantages from colleagues or superiors. This type of manipulative behaviour can compromise the work environment, causing conflicts and tensions between colleagues and damaging mutual trust. Workplace manipulation not only undermines professional relationships but can also hinder the progress and productivity of the entire team.


    5 Manipulation in Friendships and Social Groups

    Manipulation in friendships often takes the form of emotional games or attempts to influence othersā€™ decisions to satisfy oneā€™s own interests. For example, someone might make another person feel guilty for not meeting their expectations or use silence or indifference to gain attention. In social groups, manipulation may also occur through favouritism, creating conflicts between members to gain support from some while positioning others as inferior. These behaviours can create an environment of mistrust, where true intentions are masked by seemingly friendly attitudes that hide selfish needs.


How Do People Become Manipulators?


Many manipulators develop these behaviors as a response to experiences from their childhood. Several factors that can contribute to the formation of a manipulative personality include:


  1. Controlling Environment:

    Children raised in highly controlling or overprotective families may develop a tendency to manipulate as a form of rebellion or to reclaim a sense of power and control over their own lives. In some cases, manipulation becomes a strategy to get what they want in an environment where they feel they have few options.


  2. Dysfunctional Behavioral Models:

    If children observe one or both parents manipulating others, they might imitate these behaviors. Manipulation can become a learned strategy for managing relationships and gaining emotional or material benefits.


  3. Emotional Trauma:

    Experiences of emotional abandonment or neglect can lead a child to develop manipulative defense mechanisms to gain attention and care. Children who do not receive unconditional love might try to "control" the emotions of others to avoid further hurt.


  4. Fragile Self-Esteem:

    Children who grow up with weak or unstable self-esteem may use manipulation to gain external validation, leveraging the feelings of others to feel appreciated or valued.


Awareness of Manipulative Behavior


If manipulation is carried out consciously and voluntarily, it is highly likely that the person does not admit to employing such behaviors.Those who engage in conscious manipulation are often individuals with narcissistic traits, using these strategies to assert their position of power or maintain a sense of superiority. This superiority is not necessarily based on genuine self-esteem, but rather on a need to dominate or feel in control, compensating for deep insecurities or vulnerabilities they are unwilling to recognize.These individuals tend to rationalize their behaviors, seeing them as inevitable or deserved, and rarely question themselves. They do not feel the need for introspection and rarely seek therapeutic support, as therapy would require confronting aspects of themselves they prefer to avoid or deny. Consequently, they often remain stuck in these dynamics, causing harm to themselves and others. In some cases, the manipulator is not fully aware of their actions: they perceive their behaviors as legitimate, interpreting them as essential for their well-being or for the benefit of others, without recognizing the underlying manipulative dynamics.


Signs that might indicate a manipulative tendency include:


  1. Constant Need for Control:

    A signal can be the compulsive need to manage the emotions and actions of others to feel safe or have a sense of power.


  2. Conflicted Interpersonal Relationships:

    If a person frequently finds themselves in relational conflicts, it may be a sign of a dysfunctional dynamic.


  3. Constant Justification of One's Actions:

    A manipulator tends to rationalize their behaviors, convincing themselves that it is "for the good of others" or that they have no other choice.


Manipulation in Therapy

Experiencing or engaging in manipulation can profoundly affect emotional well-being and interpersonal relationships. In therapy, the goal is to help patients recognize manipulative behaviorsā€”both those experienced and those carried outā€”and to develop healthier strategies for managing relationships.


  • Working with the Victim of Manipulation:

    The therapist may teach assertiveness techniques and help recognize toxic dynamics, assisting the person in setting healthy boundaries and breaking free from manipulative relationships.


  • Working with the Unaware Manipulator:

    It is rare for individuals who consciously manipulate to seek therapy. In such cases, the therapist helps the client recognize the motivations behind these behaviors and develop more direct and transparent communication patterns.


Working with the Victim of Manipulation

Victims of manipulation often feel confused, anxious, and powerless. The therapist plays a crucial role in helping these individuals recover, establish healthy boundaries, and recognize toxic dynamics in their relationships. Key steps in the therapeutic process include:


  1. Recognition of Manipulative Dynamics:

    The first step is helping the victim identify manipulative behaviors and toxic relational patterns. Through discussion and self-reflection, the therapist guides the person to understand how and why they ended up in such relationships.


  2. Development of Assertiveness:

    One of the main therapeutic techniques is teaching assertiveness. The victim learns to express their needs and desires clearly and respectfully, without feeling guilty or inadequate. Role-playing and practical exercises can be useful for strengthening these skills.


  3. Establishing Healthy Boundaries:

    The therapist helps the victim define and maintain clear boundaries in relationships. This may include refusing manipulative behaviors and asserting their right to honest and direct communication.


  4. Exploration of Emotions:

    It is essential for the victim to work through their emotions, including anger, sadness, and fear. The therapist may help the person express these emotions in a healthy way, avoiding repression or projection onto others.


  5. Reinforcing Self-Efficacy:

    Therapy also focuses on strengthening the victim's sense of self-efficacyā€”believing they can influence their own situations. This may involve practicing problem-solving techniques and implementing small daily strategies that increase their sense of control.


  6. Building Healthy Relationships:

    Finally, the therapist supports the victim in building healthier and more fulfilling relationships. This may include teaching how to recognize warning signs in potential partners and friends, as well as promoting connections with individuals who exhibit empathetic and respectful behaviors


Working with the Unaware Manipulator

People who engage in manipulative behaviors consciously are unlikely to seek therapeutic help. Generally, those who use manipulation intentionally are not inclined to recognize their responsibility, often justifying their actions as necessary to achieve what they want.However, as we've seen, there are cases where manipulation occurs unconsciously. In these cases, the role of the therapist is vital in helping the client explore the underlying causes of their manipulative behaviors and in supporting them to recognize dysfunctional communication patterns. The therapist works to bring greater awareness to these behaviors, fostering the development of more honest, direct, and respectful communication.

The goal is to promote authentic communication that reduces the need for manipulation and encourages more balanced relationships.

Hereā€™s how therapy can intervene:


  1. Identification of Patterns:

    The first step in therapy is helping the person recognize their manipulation patterns. This can be done through techniques like self-monitoring or direct discussion with the therapist about specific relational interactions.


  2. Exploring Emotional Roots:

    Therapy often explores the emotional history of the manipulator, including their childhood experiences, to understand how and why manipulation became a coping strategy. Through this process, the person can begin to understand how their need for control is a defense against vulnerability.


  3. Developing Healthy Relational Patterns:

    Through approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), the therapist helps the client develop healthier ways of interacting with others, promoting empathy and assertive communication. The goal is to teach how to manage relationships in a respectful and transparent manner without resorting to manipulation.


  4. Learning to Tolerate Uncertainty and Vulnerability:

    Many manipulative individuals struggle with tolerating uncertainty or the idea of not being in full control. Therapy works to increase tolerance for frustration and teaches them to recognize that healthy relationships also require a degree of vulnerability and mutual trust.


Conclusion

Manipulation is a complex dynamic that can profoundly affect our interactions, whether with children or adults. Operating on various emotional and cognitive levels, manipulation can compromise the quality of relationships, making it difficult to respect mutual needs. It is crucial, therefore, to develop clear and assertive boundaries and to learn how to communicate desires directly.Becoming aware of oneā€™s manipulative behavior is the first step toward change. Through therapy, it is possible to explore the underlying causes of these behaviors and develop healthier, more authentic ways of relating to others. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) proves particularly useful in this process, helping individuals recognize and interrupt manipulative patterns, whether they are victims or perpetrators of such dynamics.The ultimate goal is to build more balanced relationships, based on sincere emotional exchange and mutual respect. Recognizing and managing manipulation is essential for creating authentic and satisfying bonds, where both partiesā€™ needs are respected and addressed clearly and directly.



Written by

Dr Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist

(consultation only in Italian)

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Bibliography

  • De Masi, Domenico, La manipolazione , 2004, Rizzoli.

  • Pincione, Eleonora, La manipolazione affettiva , 2012, Franco Angeli.

  • Bianchi, Chiara, Il potere della manipolazione , 2018, Newton Compton.

  • Biondi, Michele, Manipolatori e manipolati, 2017, Mimesis.


External resources

If you wish to explore the topic of psychological manipulation further and find relevant articles and studies, consider these important academic and institutional resources.


American Psychological Association (APA)Ā  Link : Associazione Americana di Psicologia


Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Link : Giornale di personalitĆ  e psicologia sociale


International Journal of Psychology Link : Rivista Internazionale di Psicologia

La Manipolazione
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