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Processing Grief and Coping with Loss

Writer's picture: dr.ssa Elizabeth Mooredr.ssa Elizabeth Moore


Immagine in bianco e nero che mostra una vista sfocata di una spiaggia, con l'erba che si intreccia con il mare, evocando un senso di calma e riflessione, simbolo del processo di lutto

Grief is one of the most intense experiences we can endure, touching the deepest parts of ourselves—love, connection, and loss. Everyone processes grief differently, yet we all face the shared challenge of navigating the pain and transformation this experience brings. This article delves into how grief manifests, the stages it entails, and how these can vary from person to person. It also offers some practical insights to help those navigating grief take care of themselves.


The Complexity of Grief

Contrary to the notion that grief follows a linear path, it is a multifaceted and highly individual process. Research by psychiatrists such as George A. Bonanno highlights that responses to grief can range from resilience to vulnerability, revealing the diverse ways people cope with loss. Some individuals recover relatively quickly, while others experience prolonged periods of mourning.


The Stages of Grief

The concept of grief stages was first introduced in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist and pioneer in death and dying studies.

The five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—represent a sequence of emotional states many people may encounter. However, these stages are neither linear nor universal, and individuals may move back and forth between them or experience them simultaneously.

  1. Denial

    Denial acts as a protective veil, shielding us from overwhelming pain. Initially, it may feel like a safe retreat or escape from reality, but over time, it can become a barrier to confronting the loss. It is as though, for a moment, we refuse to believe that the person we loved is no longer with us. While denial protects the mind, it is merely the first step in a long journey.

  2. Anger

    When loss strikes, anger often surfaces as a natural response—not just anger toward the departed but also frustration with the perceived injustice of the situation and the lack of control. Questions like “Why didn’t I act sooner?” or “Why didn’t I say or do something differently?” may fuel this anger, which can be challenging to manage.

  3. Bargaining

    In this stage, the mind tries to negotiate or find some kind of deal to ease the pain. Thoughts like, "If only I had done something differently, maybe I could have prevented this," often emerge. Bargaining reflects an attempt to rewrite the past or make the pain seem more bearable, even though deep down, we know the events cannot be changed.

  4. Depression

    The depression that follows a loss is more than sadness—it is a silent confrontation with the reality of life without the loved one. This phase may bring feelings of hopelessness and loneliness, even when surrounded by others offering support. It is the recognition of an emptiness that cannot easily be filled.

  5. Acceptance

    Acceptance does not mean the pain disappears or that we forget the person we lost. It signifies learning to coexist with the loss and integrating it into our lives. The memory of the loved one remains alive, but we gradually adjust to a new reality. Acceptance is not about being "okay" but about reaching a place where we can say, “I am working through it.”


Grief is a deeply subjective and individual experience that does not adhere to a fixed sequence. Emotions tied to grief can resurface unexpectedly, even months or years after the loss.

(The stages of grief can also apply to other contexts, such as the end of a relationship, losing a job, a change in health status (e.g., the diagnosis of a chronic illness), or moving to a new environment that requires leaving behind one’s familiar surroundings. In these cases, individuals may experience emotions akin to grief, reflecting the need to adapt to a significant life change.)


Suggestions for Coping with Grief

Grief is a complex and painful experience. While each person copes in their own way, some approaches can help manage the pain and navigate through difficult emotions. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Recognize Negative Thoughts

    During grief, it is easy to spiral into destructive thoughts like “I don’t deserve to be happy” or “I’ll never be the same.” Recognizing when these thoughts arise and replacing them with more balanced, compassionate ones can help. Instead of thinking life will never be the same, try acknowledging that life, though changed, can still move forward.

  2. Revisit Memories Without Avoidance

    Many people avoid thinking about or revisiting memories of their lost loved one, fearing the pain they might evoke. However, confronting these memories is essential to integrating the loss into one’s life. Facing them courageously allows you to honor your loved one and begin accepting the new reality.

  3. Practice Mindfulness and Acceptance

    Mindfulness encourages living in the present and embracing emotions without judgment. Instead of suppressing sadness, anger, or frustration, you can learn to experience them fully, without shame or fear. Accepting pain as part of the healing process can be a step toward eventual peace.


Psychological Support in Grief

Coping with the loss of a loved one is one of life’s most challenging moments, but various forms of support can help transform this pain into an opportunity for growth.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective, helping individuals identify and challenge negative thoughts that may hinder healing.

Other forms of psychological support include:

  • Group Therapy: Sharing grief in a safe space with others undergoing similar experiences can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.

  • Art Therapy: When words fall short, art can express emotions buried deep within. Drawing, painting, or creating collages can be powerful tools for processing grief.

  • Expressive Writing: Journaling or writing letters to the departed can offer clarity and emotional relief, serving as a compassionate act of self-care.


The Role of a Support Network

Relationships with others are vital in navigating grief. A strong support network offers not only comfort but also a sense of community. Sharing stories and memories can keep the memory of a loved one alive and foster an environment where expressing pain is met with understanding and empathy.


Conclusion

Grief is a profound, often solitary journey that forces us to confront our most vulnerable selves. There is no universal roadmap for navigating it, nor a “right” way to experience it—every grief is as unique as the bond we have lost. Allow yourself the time to feel, to cry, to reflect, and remember that, despite the heaviness of the moment, life continues to flow. Grief can teach us to reorient our path, find a new balance, and discover that even in loss, there is room for renewal, connection, and transformation.


 


 Written by

Dr Elizabeth Moore, Psychologist

(consultation only in Italian)

 

For clarifications regarding the article or to book an appointment in person or online, please visit the Contacts section or:




Consultations are available in Italian only

 

Bibliography


  • Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, "La morte e un dono", 2006, Mondadori.

  • Worden, J. William, "Elaborare il lutto. Come affrontare la perdita di una persona cara", 2013, Raffaello Cortina.

  • Neimeyer, Robert A., "Lutto e perdita: la via del rielaborare", 2015, Raffaello Cortina. 

 


External resources

If you wish to explore the topic of psychological manipulation further and find relevant articles and studies, consider these important academic and institutional resources.

 

- American Psychological Association (APA) 

[Link: American Psychological Association](https://www.apa.org)

 

- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) 

[Link: NIMH - Bereavement](https://www.nimh.nih.gov)

 

- Journal of Death and Dying (Omega) 

[Link: Journal of Death and Dying](https://journals.sagepub.com/home/ome)

 

- Società Italiana di Psicologia (SIP) 

[Link: Società Italiana di Psicologia](https://www.sipsico.it)

 

- World Health Organization (WHO) 

[Link: WHO - Mental Health and Bereavement](https://www.who.int)

 

 

 

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